February 17, 2014
Hello! It’s been a little while!
I’ve been introspective and not feeling like making entries on this blog.
Looking out at the glistening, diamond like snow, and reading a little Rumi, brought me a little gift of personal insight. So, I thought I’d share.“Very little grows on jagged rock. Be ground. Be crumbled. So wild flowers will come up Where you are. You have been stony for too many years. Try something different. Surrender.” Rumi
Our solid, rock-like defense system, whether jagged or smooth, helps us be “strong”. If we are strong enough we can keep things from getting to us, or breaking us apart. Familiarity is a rock too. Even when we feel we are hurt, or suffering, unhappy, lonely, the pattern of hanging on and just surviving the current emotion/drama is “safer”, for some of us, than trying something different.
Rumi reminds us to try something different. Let us take a risk and allow ourselves to be ground up ( just a little is ok, it only takes a small crack in the surface), to crumble apart just a little. Something new, and beautiful and full of hope might begin to grow—a wild flower, or….?
Sure, growing “flowers” might be unknown to us. We might have to learn something new. Face new disappointments. Solve different problems and crises. Different doesn’t mean “bad”, “wrong”, “impossible”, “not worth it”. Different means, or can mean “possibility”. We might end with a beautiful “garden”.
At this time in my life I am working consciously on allowing myself to soften, to crumble. I am ready. Some changes have come with little control from me, like my children growing up and moving away. That was a big change that has allowed me the opportunity to open up to other changes. I have started to meditate. I do yoga twice a week. I’ve changed my diet. And I have intention. Intention of breaking out of old patterns of behaviors and expectations. I am looking and my anxieties, my fears, things that make me hesitate, my reactions, my thoughts……a long, long list.
Little pieces of me are cracking and crumbling in a good way. Sometimes it is very hard and even scary because now I am also asking other people to look at me and respond to me differently, because I am looking and them and responding to them differently. By making changes in myself, I am making changes in relationships….and that’s a pretty big risk…..what if the other person doesn’t want to change?
But I’m going for it!! I’m creeping out of old, deep ruts for health and growth. Like the title of the blog, POTENTIALITY, in me is a great potential if I can let it grow like a wildflower among the crumbled, ground up old self..
January 2, 2014
I am on a path to somewhere and the only thing I know is that I am here, now. But the moment that passed a blink ago seems to still be here and so do the events of a few days ago. The future, which hasn’t even happened yet, is also here…which is a great mystery. It feels as if the two things that are not here now, are having more impact on my thought process and physical body than what IS here now.
This is the stuff for “inquiry” for certain. But wait……certain? Is there such a thing?
I recently had two very different experiences. One was so subtle and opening….a glimpse at the mirror that contains no images. A breath of time that was an eternity. A hint of knowing that not knowing is all there is.
The other experience was like being hit by a Mack truck and dragged along for a bit of time. I still ache, mentally and physically.
Both are over and done with, but still “here.” One I want to erase and the other I want to escape into.
This moment right now I’m looking into a mirror that feels cracked and the images seem distorted. I see myself but I am contorted and fragmented.
In a minute I’ll turn off the computer and sit and be with this. Be present with only the moment. I’ll try to “let go of my worries and be completely clear-hearted.”
December 27, 2013
Having some time off for the holidays is providing the opportunity to go deeper into my yoga and meditation. I am in my 50’s so the yoga is very gentle, but none-the-less, it does provide the opportunity for some soft and sweet moments of clarity and “perfection”. Perfection is in quotes because I don’t know if there is such a thing, and yet I want to connote a special experience that is pure.
Over the years of my life I have tried to learn about Zen and Buddhism in general. Practice was sporadic at best. Not a great deal of intention or commitment on my part. In my life now, the intention for meditating has increased and the commitment has become stronger. My style of meditation does not fall under a label or a school. I have gone a couple of times to a Center in the area that focuses on Meditative Inquiry. It is a very personal, non-scripted place. There are no “teachers”. there is no ritual. There is no transmission. All there is is Presence. Mindfulness. Now. Being.
This morning I listened to a meditation by Tara Brach.
At the end of one of her meditations she suggested offering a Prayer of Care. First to ourselves, then to the greater community, the world. Not unlike the Metta Loving Kindness meditation.
The idea resonated with something deep inside of me. The first, totally instantaneous thought for saying a Prayer of Care for myself was “openness”. Openness that includes being open to the moment, the sensations, thoughts and experiences of Now. To just be.
When Tara offered the opportunity to send out at Prayer of Care to the world, the words that came to mind were gentleness and kindness. Not very original, but genuine. I started getting caught up in the “words” themselves, and had to struggle a bit to let it go. Sometimes words are not complete in expressing the feeling, but they’re what we’ve got!
In the bigger picture, and taking the definition of the words at face value, I really liked the idea of a Prayer of Care.
Care: mend, repair, cherish, treasure, assist, help, look after, protect….
Prayer: appeal, request, adjuration…
Something about using the words ‘prayer’ and ‘care’ together clicked. Care. Caring. Isn’t that something we “should” always do and hold dear to our hearts? If we don’t care, what’s left?
So, I sent my Prayer for Care to myself and out into the world.
October 4, 2013
Still floating along after a few days in silent retreat. Processing. Thinking. Realizing I took a fork in the road slightly divergent from where I thought I was going. Now I find myself kind of recalculating like a GPS system. Where exactly am I going anyhow?
I am going to where I am right now.
I scrolled through lots of search results: Toni Packer, Krishnamurti, meditative inquiry, mantras, Buddhism, ………I found myself reading less and less thoroughly. The words were getting muddled. My mind was doing some self talk: “yeah…I know that.”, “OK, I get that.”, “How am I supposed to do THAT?”.
I tried to translate the information. Tried to have it make sense.
And then I stopped. Just stopped. There weren’t any answers on the internet. Certainly none on Pinterest!! LOL!! Reading some books helped to clarify a few things.
Ultimately, it, whatever “it” is, has to come from me, by me, for me. And what I am trying to understand, to achieve, is how to simply be with this moment. This moment. This moment. Only this moment.
Letting the moment that just ended, pass. Allowing the moment I am anticipating ahead not be rushed into existence. How to balance that with the “life I lead.” The one with a job, children, a husband, balancing, responsibility, being tired, being cranky, being happy……
So, this subtle little fork in the road that I am now traveling upon, where will it take me? I don’t know. Right now it has taken me to right here. That’s a good place to be.
I am aware there was something I had to do a few minutes ago, and that in another moment I will have to get up to attend to something else. I’m trying to let that past moment be done, and not give too much importance to the moment coming up. My joy now becomes to be aware of every moment of attending to that “thing.” To hopefully be able to just do it with no labeling or words.
I’m picking up this edit a few days later and wanted to quote something from Toni Packer’s book The Wonder of Presence. It’s about being present with the moment, not caught up in the drama of words, emotions, our “stories”, but being aware:
“…We have thought like that for eons and behave accordingly, but at this moment can there be just the sound of the swaying tress and the rustling leaves and fresh air from the open window on the skin? It’s not happening to anyone. It is simply present for all of us, isn’t it?”
“Why bother?” you may ask. Or perhaps you’re thinking: “I don’t get what she’s talking about.”. Or maybe “That’s just a bunch of baloney.”
Well, I’ve come to a point in my life where I want to just be in THIS moment. I’ve had a full life with a wonderful husband, amazing kids and a job I love. I’ve traveled the world. I’ve laughed and experienced great joy. I have cried and felt paralyzing pain. I’ve had the proverbial broken heart. And I’ve had the gift of a wonderful life companion. I have a house, a car, a boat, cats….bills, a bank account…..I “have” a lot.
Now, I want to experience the ‘what is’ of every moment. I want to move beyond the words that create the “story” of what I am living through. I don’t want to live “through”. I want to live in. This moment. THIS moment. I want to let go of the words that are attached to drama, desire, disappointment, anticipation, fear, doubt, anger, happiness, unhappiness, the judging, the labeling, the comparing. I don’t want to live a “story” anymore.
There are memories of things I don’t want to forget, which seems contrary to being present in this moment. I just don’t want the memories to become baggage attached this moment. I don’t want the memories to filter or influence the present. I want the moment to be as it is. By itself.
I want to be present to this moment. This moment. This moment.
Still confused? So am I a little bit. Toni Packer talks about this is many of her books. I have only just begun to discover her and to explore her writings. But at this moment in my life her words are intriguing. I am muddling through, trying to figure out what her words mean. Especially when she says “they are just words.”!!!
I know this isn’t a road that everyone wants to travel. I can’t say I wanted to either. But I came to that fork and I went slightly off course from I thought was the correct way. The real way. The important way. It’s just a way. There will probably be another choice at some point, another fork. But for now, I put one foot in front of the other and try to just be present with that one step.
May 24, 2013
I always look for new ideas on how to be more mindful of the present moment. Sometimes it is so very difficult to do that. There are always thoughts jumping ahead to what is scheduled next, what might happen, what will never happen.
Today I ran across a little article that was directed instead on focusing on the day today. As I thought about it, I felt that really that is what I try to do. I keep the day as a whole in my head, and as I wind my way through the hours and events, I then focus on those specific things as they are happening.
The Ten Simple Rules for Daily Living came from the website Greatfulness.org
(photograph by me: Oregon coast)
Here are the thoughts, in my words:
* Only for today, I will live the day being positive and not try to solve the problems in my life in one day.
* Only for today, I will be mindful of my appearance. I will dress as if my appearance is an expression of my thoughts and values. I will not raise my voice. I will be kind and compassionate to others. I will not criticize others. I will not judge others. I will only work on improving myself.
* Only for today, I will remind myself that I have within me the capacity to be happy. To be content.
* Only for today, I will adapt to circumstances around me without requiring that all circumstance adapt to my own wishes.
* Only for today, I will commit 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering to feed my thirst for learning, knowledge and understanding.
* Only for today, I will do one good deed and not tell anyone about it.
* Only for today, I will make a plan for myself. I might not follow it exactly, but I will do my best. I will be mindful of hastiness and indecision.
* Only for today, I will remind myself that today is a gift.
* Only for today, I will have no fears. Within the hours of the day I will focus on each moment. In particular, I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe in goodness and compassion.
January 26, 2013
“Remember. Be Here Now”
Ram DassJust BE where you are now with no judgement or labeling. No resentment or anxiety. Let all that stuff go. Just take a breath and be. Let everything stop for a moment. Close your eyes. Count your breaths. If you’re walking, let your feet kiss the earth. Whatever you are doing, just do IT. Just be with it. Just look at your feet. Be where they are. Be here now.
January 1, 2013
In cultures where flower garlands are used, the garland maker chooses the flowers not only for their color and fragrance, but also for their meaning and sentiment.
“Fashion your life as a garland of beautiful deeds.”
What if we put purposeful thought into how our lives were being “fashioned”? What if, instead of making our garland of flowers, we created ours out of beautiful deeds? What would your garland look like? What would you want it to look like? How much effort do you put into your thoughts about the kind of life you lead? How much thought would you put into choosing beautiful deeds that reflected you and your life choices?
What beautiful deeds have you already done in your life? What ones are currently ongoing? What ones do you envision or hope to happen in the future? How long will your garland be? What colors will we see? Will we know the names of the deeds, or will they be private, hidden and known only to you or those you initiate into this part of your life?
It’s a New Year. The perfect time to start a fresh garland of good deeds. Give value to doing one act of kindness each day. Maybe let the world know in a small way: a sentence on facebook, a short tweet. See what happens. Take action on that urge we all have to help someone out, to be kind with no thought of personal gain. Many times these feeling are spur of the moment, but you can plan ahead too. Make a little list if it helps.
Watch as your garland grows. Watch as the beauty of it begins to reflect on your face with a warm glow. Watch how your life changes as you complete each good deed, each act of kindness, and bring someone else a small moment of joy.
Have a Happy New year!
December 28, 2012
2013 is around the corner. With it’s arrival comes the opportunity (a favorable or advantageous circumstance or combination of circumstances) for a fresh start. If you want to choose that path.
The tradition of making a New Year’s resolution is 4,000 years old! Ancient Babylonians made promises to start the New Year off on the right foot in order to earn the favor of the Gods. The “New Year” wasn’t always observed in January because a month called “January” didn’t always exist! It originally was the Spring Equinox celebration. Spring being a natural time to think of fresh starts, beginning anew. Throughout history different “leaders” have changed it from one date to another. Many religions and cultures still celebrate a different date for the New Year.
I think many of us would chuckle thinking about resolutions we have made and kept! My record isn’t very good!
However, this year it really struck me what the potential might be, if we could make changes that would provide a fresh start to parts of our lives. What if we took advantage of this quaint custom and did turn it into an opportunity?
Recent events have led many of us to reevaluate all kinds of things. Personally I found myself thinking deeply about living more in the present and letting go of past angers, disappointments, and focusing more on simply being kind.
While I still hope to “give up” a few things, I have decided to focus on “doing”.
My priority this year is to be kind. In big ways and small ways.
“Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.”
I don’t think there is a skill to being kind. It’s in all of us. It may be buried, or other responses and actions might be stronger, but it is in us.
I have been working on kindness a little bit this year. I have had some successes, but many more surprises. I am always surprised how quickly I respond with frustration to things beyond my control. That frustration is a form of anger. I can feel my body change when it surfaces. When my body changes because my mind changes, it all becomes a spiral of downward momentum. Then I have a difficult time getting free from it.
Hand in hand with being kind comes being present and being in the here and now, not in the past or future. And that is even harder. I carry disappointments, frustrations, worries from work home with me every day. Sometimes it takes me days to digest them and let them go. I am always thinking and planning one step ahead so I am “prepared”. How can that be bad? Being prepared? But somehow it does fuel the anxiety. If I am being kid to myself, which is the first step to be kind to others, why do I worry, become anxious over things that I have managed to take care of for years and know they are not a big deal? Is it all in the wording……the wording my mind chatter loops endlessly around in my head? Why can’t it just be: “I will stop at the grocery store.”, rather than: “I have to stop at the grocery.” Have to, have to, have to, have to. I will focus on making statements with little or no value regarding things that are……no good or bad, no judgement. Just a fact. By adding the word “have” it becomes a chore or burden.
So I will focus on being present in this one moment. I will be kind, kinder, kindly. I will begin with myself. I will change the mind chatter in my head. I will reach out to others and simply be kind. This is a New Year, a fresh start. I have this opportunity to start over, and allow the kindness that is already inside of me be stronger and more present.
December 24, 2012
As we gather together in the soft darkness of the Solstice we are reminded there are rhythms and cycles that move without thought to us humans. As we embrace families and friends singing out greetings of peace and Faith, let us also remember we have a calling to love one another, every single person, without stopping. There is no pausing to regard if they are worthy.
What we are asked to do is love.
There is a lot of talk and thoughts about those who have, and those who have not, those who are deserving, and those who are not, those who are “good” and those who are “bad”, those who are “right” and those who are “wrong”. In amongst all that, it feels sometimes that we have lost the capacity to love, to accept, to help heal, to forgive and to be tolerant and have decided to walk instead with fear, mistrust, isolation, apathy.
What we are asked to do is love.
“We do not exist for ourselves.” Thomas Merton
“The whole idea of compassion is based on a keen awareness of the interdependence of all these living beings, which are all part of one another, and all involved in one another.” Thomas Merton
I certainly struggle with this. But, I struggle more with the thought of violence, of turning a blind eye, of pretending to know which is the one, right path.
This is the time of year when many of us turn inward. A time of reflection. Also, a time of looking forward. Many customs of the Solstice and New Year include a letting go of the past and a cleansing of the heart and spirit for the future. While we can never be sure of the future, we can, and this moment, open up our hearts and love. It’s not our business to judge. Everyone struggles and falls. What we are asked to do is love. At this moment.
October 21, 2012
I came across a guide for preparing for the day. It is based on the chakras, but I think that even if you do not have interest in chakra work, the general idea is one worth considering.
It starts by reminding us that each day is a new beginning. The task for today is to learn the practice of consciously entering your body and your day. Begin by focusing attention on your entire day from morning to evening.
Review your plans for today:
- Think about where you need to be and with whom you need to be.
- Do you feel stressful about this day or do you feel comfortable?
- Do you feel prepared for today’s events?
- Are you projecting fears and expectations into this day?
As you gather yourself and plan for the day, add these thoughts to the process:
- Identify your fears for today and pull them into your consciousness.
- Acknowledge the strength of the energetic circuitry connecting you to all life.
- Visualize that strength replacing your fears for today.
- See yourself standing tall.
- Work: What am I going to do today?
- Creativity: What am I going to create today?
- Focus on your self-esteem and how you feel about yourself today:
- Am I feeling strong? Frightened?
- Do I need someone’s approval today?
- Will I need to be courageous?
- Remind yourself of your boundaries, dignity, inherent honor, and integrity.
- Make an internal promise in terms of how you want to live your life today.
- Reaffirm to yourself that you want to look at today through your heart and not through your fears; that you want to feel gratitude for events that do or don’t happen as they should.
- Keep your attention on the right way to walk into this day, with compassion and patience.
- Define your needs and desires for today and let go of doing the same for others.
- Envision choices that result in positive attitudes and feelings about yourself.
- Vow to express yourself honestly.
- Prepare your mind to enter the day feeling good and not generating fear or doubt.
- For today, release old grudges, beliefs, attitudes and patterns that no longer serve you.
- Remember that everything in your life is there for a reason and to teach you something about yourself and others.
- Pull your attention up and out, and hold the idea ‘live in present time.’
- Let go of the past and do not anticipate the future.
- Find moments of gratitude throughout the day.
At the end of the day, pause for a quiet time to reflect on the day, and put it to bed also.
- Think about how you feel about yourself and your day now that it is over.
- Reflect on the million things that happened to you today and be appreciative of them all.
- Remember that everything has the potential to be a valuable learning experience.
- Look at the positive things you invested in today and be grateful for them.
- Were you able to make choices that enhanced your life today? If so, acknowledge those choices, take a deep breath and decide to put your energy into more of them.
- What choices drained your energy? Commit to changing those choices in the future.
- Ask yourself “Did I speak with honesty and integrity?”
- How have you done with forgiveness today?
- Were you judgmental or critical of yourself or others today or did you extend kindness and compassion?
- Release your fears and doubt.
- Breath and allow yourself to prepare for restful sleep knowing that tomorrow will be a new day.